Day by day slipping away...
I tried to write a different ending
But my pen ran out of ink.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
2013...
I'm 2 months into the completion of my 40th year.
And now... 2013. I'm terrified & elated at the prospects of this new year...
where I am... where I'm going...
where I am... where I'm going...
Keep breathing. Keep moving.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
I must have known... 11041994
I must have known.
I woke up that morning around 6 a.m. without the aid of the alarm clock. My eyes flew open and I lay there. It was quiet. I reached over & turned off the alarm… turned off the telephone ringer… and just lay there.
After a few minutes, I got up & began my day. It was a Friday; it was my 21st birthday.
I labored over what to wear – even though I knew I wouldn’t really be going anywhere that day. I picked out my favorite skirt & ironed it, then laid it out on my bed next to the sweater I’d wear with it. On top of the outfit, I placed my underwear and tights. I spent a few moments smoothing everything out on the bed, ignoring the blinking light on the answering machine.
It was 7:30 a.m.
I decided on a bubble bath, followed by an intense hair washing session. My hair was long then, and relaxed, so I would need to follow up with a blow-dry (that would easily eat up an hour & a ½) and a long, laborious curling iron routine. By my estimation, it would be noon before I was finished bathing & styling – I hadn’t even factored in time for meals.
Lunch – frozen pizza made in the microwave.
When it was all said & done, it was 2 p.m. and I watched As The World Turns before getting dressed. I didn’t check the messages on the answering machine.
At this point I had no reason to linger & couldn’t find any other procrastination tools. And so as I walked the 1 block between my building & his, I encountered schoolchildren skipping home – their little voices shrill & excited as they faced the weekend. I should have been excited about the weekend too – it was my 21st birthday.
They all stood when I entered. My mother. My grandparents. Two of his best friends.
And I knew. He was gone.
I turned into the corner behind the entryway & began to wail. They surrounded me – all of them. It was similar to the way he had enveloped me in his long arms after telling me of Tia’s death. And Alex’s death. And I wanted him to envelope me this time too, because if he could, that would mean he was still here.
I pushed them all away & ran to his room. The bed was made. That had probably been my mother’s doing. A simple cross lay on his pillow. That was probably my grandparents.
“When?”
My mother stroked my back. “Around 6 this morning.”
I must have known.
For my uncle & fairy godfather: QuiQue. I miss you & love you & still think of you everyday.
I woke up that morning around 6 a.m. without the aid of the alarm clock. My eyes flew open and I lay there. It was quiet. I reached over & turned off the alarm… turned off the telephone ringer… and just lay there.
After a few minutes, I got up & began my day. It was a Friday; it was my 21st birthday.
I labored over what to wear – even though I knew I wouldn’t really be going anywhere that day. I picked out my favorite skirt & ironed it, then laid it out on my bed next to the sweater I’d wear with it. On top of the outfit, I placed my underwear and tights. I spent a few moments smoothing everything out on the bed, ignoring the blinking light on the answering machine.
It was 7:30 a.m.
I decided on a bubble bath, followed by an intense hair washing session. My hair was long then, and relaxed, so I would need to follow up with a blow-dry (that would easily eat up an hour & a ½) and a long, laborious curling iron routine. By my estimation, it would be noon before I was finished bathing & styling – I hadn’t even factored in time for meals.
Lunch – frozen pizza made in the microwave.
When it was all said & done, it was 2 p.m. and I watched As The World Turns before getting dressed. I didn’t check the messages on the answering machine.
At this point I had no reason to linger & couldn’t find any other procrastination tools. And so as I walked the 1 block between my building & his, I encountered schoolchildren skipping home – their little voices shrill & excited as they faced the weekend. I should have been excited about the weekend too – it was my 21st birthday.
They all stood when I entered. My mother. My grandparents. Two of his best friends.
And I knew. He was gone.
I turned into the corner behind the entryway & began to wail. They surrounded me – all of them. It was similar to the way he had enveloped me in his long arms after telling me of Tia’s death. And Alex’s death. And I wanted him to envelope me this time too, because if he could, that would mean he was still here.
I pushed them all away & ran to his room. The bed was made. That had probably been my mother’s doing. A simple cross lay on his pillow. That was probably my grandparents.
“When?”
My mother stroked my back. “Around 6 this morning.”
I must have known.
For my uncle & fairy godfather: QuiQue. I miss you & love you & still think of you everyday.
Just like a laser laser love...
Pretend that the only thing standing in between you & your next life-affirming breath was the blog post listed below...
Wait... WHAT smells like gravy?
Now, go read it.
And laugh. & then laugh some more.
And stop to turn around & clutch your stomach as you laugh.
Then turn back to continue as you wipe happy laugh tears from your face.
Thanks to Jen Frase for this little piece of brilliance.
Wait... WHAT smells like gravy?
Now, go read it.
And laugh. & then laugh some more.
And stop to turn around & clutch your stomach as you laugh.
Then turn back to continue as you wipe happy laugh tears from your face.
Thanks to Jen Frase for this little piece of brilliance.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
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